Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
