dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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