my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize