Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i now understand why vodka
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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