I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
