Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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