so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize