You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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