Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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