Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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