I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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