once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
