I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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