She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Couch. On fire.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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