Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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