he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
