I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
