Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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