I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
