Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
