This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
