remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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