I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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