I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
