i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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