I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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