she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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