I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
