When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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