sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
