she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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