i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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