FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
