Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
