You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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