Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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