If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize