also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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