I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
