I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
