Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
