The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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