I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
