Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
