Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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