god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He better not be in your backpack
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
