Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
