brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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