im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
