how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
