I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
