The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
