I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
