Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
