Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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