Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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