she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
