hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
