there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
accomplished twins. life is a go
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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