i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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