Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
