somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
