Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
